Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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