oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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