As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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