if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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