I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My vagina just clenched in fear
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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