She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
