omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
