btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize
