OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
