You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I didn't notice because vodka
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
