Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
