Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
