I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
