I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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