I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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