State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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