i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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