half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
