I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
