How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
