First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
