you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
