Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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