I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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