I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
