i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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