I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
