I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
