I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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