people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize