Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
How does one acquire holy water?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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