I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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