hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
