I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He passed out mid-signature
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
