I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
