So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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