today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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