Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Randomize
