you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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