Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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