she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
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