i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
