Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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