everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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