Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
