I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Randomize
