Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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