Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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