Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
the night ended with taco bell and tears
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
