[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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