I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
