when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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