Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Your dad touched me again.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
