You really coming over, don't trick.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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