in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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