I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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