I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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