Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
