Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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