Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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