mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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