She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
