i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
it's like iHOP with fire
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
