I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
