matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
