beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
