ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
