I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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